Weird War V

It is the year 1937, and across the British Empire celebrations are taking place commemorating one hundred years of Queen Victoria’s reign. Down the Mall and the Royal Mile parade the glittering tripods of the Royal Armoured Corps. Off Spithead and Scapa Flow the hulking dreadnoughts and submersible nautili of the Royal Navy process in seemingly endless columns. In New Dehli security is tight for the Viceroy’s jubilee durbar, for thugee activity has been on the rise again. In Canada the troops manning the fortified border with the United States quietly toast their sovereign, ever watchful for an attack from the South. In Australia and the Anderman Islands, the convicts are even given a few hours off their work, a sign of the extraordinary greatness of the times. In the jungles of darkest Africa British forces on patrol move forward with grim resolution, confident that their empire is one upon which the sun never sets. And at the bottom of the world, in the frozen wastes of Antarctica, those men of science engaged in the empire’s research celebrate by testing a new Cavourite lifting apparatus, one which may be able to travel as far as the moon.

Britain is the leader of the Rationalist Powers, a bloc of states devoted to scientific advancement and progress. The British and their allies are very keen on industrialisation, pursuing it with fanatical devotion. For twenty years the Rationalists fought their rivals, the Romanticists, following the great crisis of 1899. Agents wearing Russian uniforms attacked scientific, military and economic assets throughout British territory, culminating in the bombing of a peace conference held in Venice (that destroyed most of the city). The war rapidly turned into a stalemate, as the vast British and Russian empire’s futilely tired to destroy one another. At one point it was even interrupted by the arrival of strange cylinders from outer space, the inhabitants of which were quickly slaughtered after only mild amounts of carnage (Woking was a dump anyway) and their fantabulous technologies stolen for Queen and Empire. Since 1921 a ceasefire has been in place between the two powers, although they are still officially at war, and proxy wars continue across the world.

Great Britain, the heart of the British world-empire, is a factory. The island is the most densely populated and inhabited place on Earth, a sprawling morass of terrace houses, towering neo-gothic architecture and smoke-belching factories. What is not city is either closely managed farmland, or bleak moorland waste. Urchins pick through the waste produced by the factories, hoping to scrounge enough unprocessed resources to sell back to the factory owners. Crime is a problem in the sprawling metropolis, combated by bluecoated constables protecting private property and public order against the myriad rogues of the slums. British industry has moved beyond mere coal and oil to more esoteric sources of power. Atomic decay is used to unlock of mysterious properties of aether and phlogiston, and other, more bizarre forms of energy. These power the empire, ensuring its technological edge over its rivals. The ever-devout British have subtly changed the stress of their religious tendencies, adopting William Paley’s idea of the ‘watchmaker’and incorporating it into the liturgy of the state churches of England, Scotland and Wales. Anglican and Scottish Presbyterian services across the empire now place get stress on God’s role in creating a universe of rational laws capable of human understanding. Naturally this makes the most technologically advanced state on Earth, the British Empire, God’s chosen instrument. Britain is run by the quality, those nobles and gentlemen whose breeding and education make them fit for leadership. Dominating both houses of parliament, lords and commons, the church, universities (both of them) and the armed forces, they have a tight grip on the leavers of power.

Britain’s empire is divided between colonies, protectorates, dominions, and the Raj. The dominions are self-governing colonies, who’s forge in policy and defence remain controlled by London. Canada is a paranoid garrison state run by the RCMP. Fear of Russian and American invasion has transformed Canada into a militaristic autocracy, where the slightest pro-romantic sentiment is punished by exile to the North-West Territories. This is a particular problem in French-speaking Quebec, which has rebelled several times over the past few decades. Fortunately unruly mobs are no match for tripods with heat-rays. The Cape controls the southernmost tip of Africa, and is the most expansionist of the Dominions. The colony of Rhodesia is practically an extension of the Cape, and Cape militias constantly launch raids against the United Boer Republics and the Zulu Kingdom, hoping to absorb both into a ‘Union of South Africa’. Cecil Rhodes continues to run the Cape, using his fantastic wealth to fund the installation of his brain into a vitality cylinder. While many decried such an action as poor manners, considering that the process is normally reserved for the Royal Family, the Palace has quietly accepted Rhodes’immortality. This is because Rhodes is head of the Round Table, a secret society with the aim of establishing British dominance over the entire planet. The Round Table has agents across the world, acting as an informal secret service to further British interests worldwide. That said the Dark Continent, the Cape aside, continues to be a problem for the British. The death of General Gordon and the abandonment of the Sudan to the Mad Mhadi and his successors was a particularly bitter pill to swallow. Meanwhile in central Africa the Congo Free State acts as an utterly amoral corporate state, ready and willing to do anything for anyone, as long as they meet their prices. And that's not even getting to the sundry cannibals, slavers and leopard men who occupy the less salubrious parts of the continent. Britain is currently somewhat occupied in other parts of the world, and so the current plan is to strengthen Britain's allies and dominions on the continent, Egypt, Zanzibar and the Cape in order to spread British influence and non-slave trade across Africa. Some people don't want to embrace this glorious opportunity for some strange reason, but that's probably because they have not learnt about cricket yet. Once they get the hang of the greatest game in the world the colonial office assumes the natives will be totally on board with this 'Cape-to-Cairo' thing.

Finally there is Australia (including southern New Zealand). It should be noted Australian self-government is limited, as there remain a large number of penal colonies across the island continent. Located far from civilisation, here prisoners are used for mining, agriculture and other tasks requiring a large amount of expendable labour. Ordinary criminals from across the empire are sent here (political criminals are sent to the Anderman Islands), to make good their debt to society in toil. The only real threat to British rule in Australia comes from Ned Kelly and his minions. Kelly was an outlaw, who fought the police across the state of Victoria. Eventually, horribly wounded and surrounded, he was trapped in a factory by the police. In desperation he altered his very flesh with primitive mechanical implants, and covered his mutilated form in metal plates. This brutal process kept him alive, but at the cost of his sanity. Escaping and massacring the police who had surrounded him, he fled into the outback. Since then he has reappeared several times at the head of an every-growing horde of mechanical monstrosities. It is believed that he and his ‘men’attack remote farms and aboriginal tribes alike for raw materials, converting them into more monstrous machine-men.

India is Britain’s greatest possession, the jewel in the imperial crown. The viceroy rules autocratically over the teeming millions of the continent, answering only to God, the Queen and Parliament (contrary to popular imagination, these three things are actually distinct from one another). India is a magnificent and vast country, Bewiskered sikh sepoys, tiger hunts with maharajas on elephants, beautiful princesses, and more wallahs than you can shake a stick at! There is also absolutely no trouble with thugee cultists infiltrating every aspect of the government, according to British officials. That said they have requested that the India office increase the budget for the Indian army by a third, and to double the numbers of British regulars in the subcontinent. This is not only due to the small, easily controlled thugees and dacoits (who pose no threat to British rule at all, no, certainly not), but also the brooding presence of the Russian Empire on the far side of the Pamirs. Although the Russians failed to break through the Khyber pass during the Great War, the spectre of invasion from the North still haunts the Raj, and the Great Game continues. These days High Asia is so packed with Russian and British secret agents that it is more than likely that most 'pilgrims' and 'traders' that you meet are actually Cossack officers or members of the British frontier scouts. Large numbers of these men disappear on duty, but whether they are killed by local rulers, run out of supplies, or defect to set themselves up as petty kings, the Great Game must carry on.

Nevertheless the Viceroy assures the British public that there will never, ever, EVER, be another mutiny. Ever.

Thank goodness. That sounds like it could be a bit of a rummy business. Pass the gin and tonic would you?

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This reflection on national glory is brought to you by Cavour and Sons. Purveyors of crazed science to Her Majesty the Queen.

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Britain’s greatest ally is the North German Confederation, dominated by the Kingdom of Prussia. Utterly surrounded by the romanticists, the Germans are just as industrialised as the British. The Rhur and Silesia are covered in sprawling factory complexes, fuelled by oil from the North Sea and the Ottoman Empire. The borders are lined with barbed wire, trenches, land mains and railway guns. During the war years Germany was nearly overrun by her enemies. In order to survive the King-President and his advisers turned to an exiled swiss man of science named Victor Frankenstein. This helvetic lunatic had succeeded in imparting new vitality to corpses by galvanic means, and had been driven from his homeland as a result. The Prussian army had no such scruples. Friend and foe corpses alike were gathered and taken to the factories, there to be transformed into new soldiers of the fatherland. Despite the ceasefire the production of kadavertruppen continues. At death every North German’s corpse is the property of the state, the resultant abominations used to bulk out the army and workforce alike. Practically an extension of North Germany is Poland. Freed from Russia early in the war, the Polish-Lithuanian-Ruthenian Commonwealth only controls a small proportion of its claimed territory, and has to cope with continual Russian attack. Even the ceasefire has not had much impact here, as the Russians claim that Poland is but a rebellious province, and not a legitimate combatant. The Russians have cast Poland into an eternal winter, making it dependent on imports from Germany simply to survive. Also with strong ties to North Germany is the Kingdom of Spain, under the Hohenzollern dynasty for over half a century. Despite the loss of Cuba to the CSA, Spain still maintains a prominent colonial empire in Africa and the Philippines. Some of the latter’s more bizarre and monstrous inhabitants have been captured by the Spanish army, who plan to release them in southern France if hostilities resume.

South of the Alps Italy is the most prominent rationalist power. With Austrian and French troops flooding into the north, the Italian government was desperate for something to fight the Habsburgs and Bonepartes. They found their salvation in Florence, where a hidden fault containing the most secret works of Leonardo da Vinci was discovered. Clockwork devices of seemingly-impossible sophistication and efficiency, the Italians combined these machines with the latest British technology, with incredible results.

The Confederate States of America continues to practice chattel slavery, disgusting their allies and enemies alike. The British remain their allies out of pure realpolitik, considering the CS a vital bulwark against American designs on Canada. The Confederates have adopted the techniques of that most famous vitalic scientist, Dr Moreau (of the New Orleans Moreaus), to create their new slave caste. Animals have been modified by strange chemicals and brutal surgery into humanoid forms, enabling the Confederates to replace a majority of their human labour. The very, very little goodwill the ending of Human slavery brought the Confeds was promptly spent by the mass deportations of former slaves that followed, mostly to the Union or Canada.

The Ottoman Empire has not had a bad century. Or, more accurately, it could have been worse. At lest the Tsar has not managed to get Constantinople yet. The Turks are entirely dependent on their British allies for support, receiving war machines and materiel to allow them to stand up to Russia. These machines are rather old, mostly oil and coal powered cast-offs of the British army. The Turks don’t mind, they have a lot of oil that can be used to run them-if the damn Arabs would stop rebelling. Some younger Turkish army officers are beginning to think that more strenuous measures need to be taken…

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The Empire of all the Russias is a monarchical autocracy under the Romanoff Tsar. The Emperor and Autocrat is absolute ruler, backed up by the Orthodox church as God’s chosen viceroy in this world. The soldiers of the Tsar wage proxy wars across the planet, aimed at ultimately placing the entire world under the rule of St Petersburg. The Russian Empire stretches from the borders of Poland to Alaska, the largest continual territorial empire since the mongols. Russia also controls much of the non-Ottoman Balklans through the Pan-Orthodox Conference, an organisation designed to further Orthodox Christian unity (under the Tsar, of course).

If Britain is dedicated to science, than Russia is a land ruled by magic. Magic is visible everywhere in Russia. Indeed, Russia’s dominion over the arcane is so powerful that the Imperial Ministry of Experimental Magic is preparing a rather brilliant experiment. The ability of magic to teleport objects short (and even quite long) distances has been known for decades. However the Russians are planning to send an armoured probe many hundreds of thousands of miles. Their target? Well, the Tsar is determined that the Russian flag will fly over the Moon before the British get there. The Russians have broken the various non-human magical beings of their empire to service, employing them in their society and military. The Okhrana have found the island of Bunyan, and are holding Koeschei the Deathless’s soul hostage. As a result the lich-tzar has been forced into the humiliating position of serving the Romanoff usurpers, raising legions of skeletons in their service. Baba Yaga, on the other, hand volunteered her powers to the autocracy, regarding state service as providing opportunities that her previous shack in the woods lacked. However all of these creatures pale in significance compared to the Mongolian Death Worms, the Tsar’s ultimate weapon. Titanic creatures that lived deep beneath the Gobi desert, the Russian’s bound the creatures to their service using ancient rituals preserved within the Bogd Gegen’s library in Urga. The Russians use them to destroy enemy fortifications, burrowing up from underneath to tear them apart in a frenzy of coiling muscle, appallingly corrosive and poisonous mucus, and multiple sets of nested jaws.

Most infamous of Russia’s magical experiments was the ritual that granted miraculous powers over ice and snow to all the members of the Romanoff dynasty. According to British Intelligence the Russian’s obtained this secret from their Scandinavian allies, who had discovered a fjord in northern Norway locked in eternal winter. At the centre of that desolate, icy waste was a castle. In that castle was found the secret, a secret eagerly exploited by the Autocracy. Now every member of the Romanoff family looks rather…odd. Silver-blonde hair, near-glowing blue eyes. And of course the chill that they leave wherever they go (and frequently the trail of frost). The Russians’control over the elements gives them a decisive edge in war, able to call down devastating snowstorms on their enemies. The most magically skilled members of the imperial family are even capable of creating thousands animated golems out of snow at a time, using them as disposable assault troops.

The Orthodox church, effectively an arm of the government for centuries, has been forced to change to adapt to these changes. Officially the dynasty’s powers are the result of a divine blessing, and NOT ANYTHING UNHOLY IN ANY WAY. Russian news refuses to even acknowledge their alliance with the Habsburgs for much the same reason. Fighting against the Tsar are the ‘People’s Will’, a nihilist terrorist organisation that believes that any form of authority is evil and must be annihilated. Of course this includes not only the government, but also the church and family as well. Indeed the only form of social control they seem to like is the peasant commune, which they glorify as a remnant of the utopian-primitive form of communism which all mankind undoubtedly lived by before being corrupted by such things as church, state and family. The fact that the peasants regard the commune as a deeply irritating limitation of their ability to better their condition by making money has entirely passed the nihilists by, mostly because they are almost all members of the nobility or intelligencia. And if any peasants actually try to state their opinions, well, they are just poor benighted rustics tricked by the evil forces that run society. They can be safely ignored. Meanwhile, if a few dozen (read hundred) sheeple get killed by the bombing campaigns, well, that’s the price of utopia.

Their unpopularity continues to bewilder them.

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Worried about finding yourself agreeing with rabble-rousers? Concerned that you may be developing subversive tendencies? Why not consider moving to Siberia? It’s lovely this time of year! Enjoy the fresh air, ample hunting and reading material, giving you the opportunity to recover from any traitorous humours that may have affected your love and reverence for the Little Father. Apply today at all police offices in the governates of St Petersburg, Moscow and Kiev! (Terms and conditions apply, internal exile does mean not being allowed to move back to civilisation unless the Tsar personally approves of it, also there is this chap called Josef who is an arse, avoid him).

HIM Okhrana: Here for you.

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The United States has not had a good century. The conquest of Oregon by the British (over an incident involving the death of a pig), the creation of Norton I’s Empire of California; and, most calamitous of all, the secession of the Confederate States. As a result of these defeats American society has become belligerent and militaristic, with the presidency reduced to a mere puppet of the military. The United States is the most industrialised of the romanticist powers, with steam-powered industry thriving on a gargantuan scale in the cities of the union. The Americans have industrialised magic, creating automatic spell-casting engines based upon captured British difference engines. The traditions of New Englander witchcraft have also been revived, with courses being offered at the universities of Harvard, Yale and Arkham. The United States is being challenged by native American tribes, whose employment of such magical techniques as the ghost dance helps keep them able to fight the US cavalry. The modern weaponry which the British strenuously deny is being smuggled in from Canada also helps.

The Second French Empire lives on, a military junta disguised as an autocratic monarchy. French soldiers have captured vast swathes of North Africa and Central America, the latter being formed into a Latin Union allied with France. The French army continue to hold the trenches along the border with Germany, and their navy continues practice for war against the British (although every sailor under the tricolour knows that such a conflict would not end well for them). The glorious legacy of the French chivalric past is alive and well in the form of the chevaliers. The chevaliers are knights, clad in gilded plate armour. Somehow they are seemingly immune to damage, capable of shrugging off bullets and even close impacts by artillery shells (heat rays still do a number on them however). According to the government this is due to the protection of Joan of Arc, who intercedes for the French nation in heaven. The Round Table, on the other hand, has heard a rather different tale. About an expedition deep into the Yuctan jungles of France’s Mexican puppet. About a mysterious orb in the heart of a dead temple. Of industrialised sacrifices carried out deep within the Sahara. The British would normally dismiss such rumours, but they have noticed that the non-White population of French Africa seems to grow smaller and smaller every year.

Austria is a dark and sinister country, the Habsburgs resorting to most unconventional techniques to keep their dominion intact. Vienna is now the capital of an unholy empire, ruled over by the children of the night. The balance between the vampiric and the lycanthropic members of the nobility is a careful one, since both of the breeds unaccountably despise one another. One vampiric count from Transylvania did try to stage a coup, and take over the empire, but found out that technology had rather moved on in the last 400 years or so. It turns out that crumbling medieval castles are no match for Skoda super-heavy siege howitzers. The Austrians deeply dislike the North Germans-the Prussian usurpers who challenged their dominion over the German states. They also hate the Italians, for grabbing their territories in the North. And, finally, they loathe the Turks. Mostly because loathing the Turks is sort of the entire point of Austria.

The Scandinavian Union formed in the wake of the Prussian invasion of Denmark, aimed at decisively resolving the Schleswig-Holstein question (which still no-one, except Prince Albert’s brain-in-a-jar, understands) in German favour. This outraged public opinion in both Denmark and Sweden-Norway, resulting in the countries forming a new union, allied with Berlin’s enemies.

The United Boer Republics have managed to survive repeated invasions by the British, a fact they have celebrated by readopting chattel slavery, just to annoy London. Some people have protested this move, due to it being a) evil and b) likely to result in Cecil Rhodes’ Brain-in-a-Jar marching on Pretoria in a giant Tripod. The Boers are also having a lot of trouble with the Zulu’s, and some more extreme elements are agitating for a war against the native kingdom to secure a route to the sea. Such a move would certainly result in war with Great Britain, and carries the possibility of ending the ceasefire and reigniting the Great War…

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Vordenburg’s Coffee House, Vienna, purveyors to the old blood.

A traditional Viennese coffee house, with some alterations to the present circumstances to render it pleasant and relaxing abode for the gentleman about town. Smoked glass windows provide a suitable absence of sunlight during daylight hours, while baskets are provided for clients who wish to take their refreshment in a more lupine state. Dietary supplements such as blood or marrowbone jelly available with only a small service charge.

‘Charming atmosphere, pretty waitresses, excellent all round.’Gfn. Camilla von Karnstein

‘A fine place to relax after sampling the music of the children of the night at the Imperial Opera House.’Hzg. Vladislaus von Razingsky.

‘Nice Strudel.' Fh. Guye von Uberwald

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The Middle Kingdom has been torn apart by opium, internal revolution and imperialist invasion. Much of the southern and northern borderlands have been annexed by the British and Russians respectively, and what is left of China is divided into three pieces. Peking is held by the Quing dynasty, whose bureaucratic regime clings desperately onto power. Since the fracturing of China the Imperial Court has begun taking the advice of a Manchurian Prince called Lord Fu. Fu presides over a sophisticated intelligence network that covers much of the globe. With this he hopes to restart the Anglo-Russian war, making the two greatest powers destroy one another, and allowing the Middle Kingdom to rise to supremacy once again. In the south is the Heavenly Kingdom of Great Peace, a rebel government that follows an extremely warped version of Christianity. Aside from their problems of collectivising all property ‘for the good of the people’and burning every ‘heretic’(mostly believers in traditional Chinese religion and anyone who has actually read the Bible) they are actually rather pleasant sorts, believing in the fundamental equality of men and women and other such strange things. Given how misogynistic everyone else is, they unfortunately have decided that this means they should put them all to the sword. Between the two are the Boxers. The Society of Righteous and Harmonious Fists possess extraordinary powers, brought on by their close alliance with the various non-corporeal ‘spirits’that inhabit rural China. This have given them the ability to achieve enlightenment by ignoring bullets and punching peoples’ heads off.

Also in East Asia are the two Japans. Split apart during the Boshin War, the Emperor and Shogun continue to fight for control of the Home Islands, supported by Britain and Russia respectively. Kyoto and Edo refuse any cease-fire between their armies, continued to hurl their samurai retainers into the grinder. The samurai don’t seem to mind, the war offering plenty of opportunities to die gloriously. That said the endless poems about cherry blossoms and the fragility of existence are getting a bit annoying for everyone else. Maybe Great Britain or Russia can be leaned upon to provide a super-weapon or two…

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BREAKING NEWS FROM THE ORIENT

CHINA DECLARES WAR ON CHINA. CHINA DECLARES NEUTRALITY.

In today’s issue of the Times of London, a special editorial from experts, late of the Foreign Office, detailing the likely result of the recent convulsions in the far East. Will this restart the Great War? What is the government’s position likely to be? Will Japan (or possibly Japan) take an interest? Find out tomorrow in the Times of London!

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Meanwhile, across the cold gulf of interplanetary space, intellects vast, cool and unsympathetic regard the Earth with envious eyes. Their race is old. Very old. And dying. A few of their number did launch a sporadic effort at exploring the Earth a few decades back-an effort that failed due to indigenous pathogens. Now the inhabitants of the red world have become convinced that the Earthlings have succeeded in replicating their technology, a danger that cannot be allowed to stand. The normally ennui-riven race has united as never before, preparing their arcane and fantastic science in readiness for war.

Not that anyone on Earth knows this. After all, the chances of anything coming from Mars are a million to one.